My Writing Process

Spoiler alert: there isn’t one.

Every so often, someone reaches out to ask me about my process.

And to be honest, I never understand what they’re saying.

When it comes to process, I believe there are two types of writers:
Those who absolutely freaking love talking about their writing process (and will talk about it even without being asked), and … those who have no freaking idea what that means.
I am absolutely … unequivocally the latter.

Like, the word process doesn’t even make sense to me when it comes to writing. People might as well be asking about my writing contingency plan or writing ultimatum. Like, I understand the word process in and of itself, but not at all within the context of my writing.

So when people reach out to ask this, I am thoroughly baffled.

What makes matters worse is that I appreciate everyone who takes the time to reach out and have a special spot in my heart for other writers, but this adoration only aggravates my confusion, because I want so badly to give them an answer, but I fundamentally don’t understand the question.

Are they asking when I write … where I write … or how long I write? Are they asking how many edits I make … whether I have a first and final draft, and how long I sit in between? Are they asking what kind of music I listen to, or whether I drink coffee or smoke cigars?

Sometimes I ask people to please clarify what … exactly, they’re asking, but even once we’re down to more specific questions (like those above), I’m still pretty baffled because I’m like … I can totally answer that for you … but I still don’t understand why any of that matters.

There’s no process for insight or creativity

Just like there’s no process for thought … play … humor … love or sex.

Look at it like this, you have to approach writing like sex: It’s supposed to be enjoyable … not stressful. If you’re trying too hard … everything will turn out awful and your partner (the reader) won’t be satisfied.

Here are the ways I DO think about my writing.

Rule #1: Just… do the writing

Like, do the work. Sit down … put pen to paper or your fingers onto your keyboard and make words.

This is the number one secret of writing … and the only real thing that matters. You can listen to any music … use any tools … wake up at any time of day or night … and sit at any desk in the world … but the only thing that actually matters is whether or not you actually put words down.

I start with the first word of the first sentence and then write the second word. I continue with words until the sentence is done and then I move on to the next sentence … It’s just hard to take questions like this too seriously as I don’t think there is anything magical in a writer’s process. You have to do the work … and I suppose … as you do the work … you figure out which process works best for you.

Just do the work. Write.

I write more than I post. I’m not saying this is the amount you need to produce; I’m only saying it’s what I do. I write when I feel like writing, but most importantly … I write even when I don’t.

I just can’t stress enough: there is no secret. 99% of it is: just write.

Rule #2: Know who you’re writing for

Or … for the Grammar-Nazis: for whom you’re writing.

I don’t write for anyone. I write first and foremost for me, but after that I have very specific ideas for which each piece is written. The vast majority of the time it’s about self examination or navigating the most common relationship questions.

Rule #3: A matter of making it good

Content … is this valuable … does this address an issue, problem or question a reader might have … and does it do so clearly … truthfully and/or in a way that’s easy to understand?

Craft: does it have rhythm or flow … is it a pleasure to read?

A quick word on Flow

Sigmund Freud wrote a beautiful piece about flow.

He wrote:
“The mental state of operation in which a person performing an activity is fully immersed in a feeling of energized focus … full involvement and enjoyment in the process of the activity. In essence … flow is characterized by complete absorption in what one does and a resulting loss in one’s sense of space and time.”

An ex-girlfriend once asked me if I get into a flow while writing, and I was like c’mon girl, lol … yeah … hell yeah … I do.

And let me tell you, it’s pretty much the best feeling ever. And when it happens … I know with absolute certainty that the drop is gonna be good.

But that being said: it’s relatively rare. A lot of my pieces go out the door with me having just focused but not having hit flow. I certainly don’t wait around for it … though you never get into flow first and then write … you get into flow only after starting.

And on that note…

A word on Inspiration

One of the biggest crocks of the universe is inspiration … or its ugly bastard cousin, motivation.

If you wanna ask me where I get my inspiration … this too will baffle me because I am like … uhhh… life?

Writing … for writers … is like breathing or eating. Like, it’s literally thinking, but then you just put your thinking down on paper.

So … inspiration is … everything … anything. We can’t not … we always are.

Going back to the sex metaphor … asking about a writer’s inspiration is like asking where do you get the inspiration’ to fuck? I mean… what?

And sure, there’s a degree of filtering … brainstorming … outlining or coercing ourselves to churn out the work, but for the most part inspiration just is.

That’s the long and short of it.

Sorry … not sorry … there is no secret sauce … not for me, anyway.

But to answer some specifics … in case y’all just want to know, I put together a little Q / A for myself to answer.

When

For whatever reason … writers always feel compelled to share what time they wake up, so I’ll tell you: for me it varies. Anytime from 2 to 6:30 am Monday through Friday, and maybe give or take an hour or so on the weekends. And I write pretty much first thing.

I try to publish something everytime I write … if I don’t, however, I’ll start on another piece.

Timing and Edits

Do I write a blog nearly every day… they must take hours.

I mean … they do and they don’t … some pieces take 30 minutes; others I edit for days. But at some point I stop.

Once I write… do I feel like I’ve done the subject justice? or do I sit on some articles for a while til I get them write … err … right?

Well, my work subject is each piece … I never feel like I’ve done the subject justice … but it’s bigger than that. My work … by nature, is always in progress, and always has room for improvement … no article is necessarily precious to me. They’re all imperfect, partial thought pieces.

Drafts and an editorial calendar

If you are curious to know whether or not I keep a list of subjects/titles, an editorial calendar or just a bunch of starts.

Lol … no, I don’t have an editorial calendar. I’m not even sure I know what that is. But if a calendar works for you … then damn … just do it.

I have drafts, sure … at the time I composed this blog, I had 31 drafts in my documents folder, including one behemoth draft titled “Ideas” which is exactly what it sounds like. And yeah, sometimes I start writing and decide I’m not really feeling it and set it aside for later.

But like … how do I write?

Do I outline … or do I wing it … am I a speedy first-drafter, or do I take days to perfect? How long do I sit in between drafts? Do I have a critique partner and when do they see it?

I don’t usually outline … I try not to be perfect … I often sit between drafts, and my readers are the absolute best critique partners I could ever hope for.

In terms of getting it down: it varies. Sometimes I start with a couple of bullet points and then build them out … sometimes I stream consciousness and sometimes I start with a block quote and build off of that.

In short … whatever gets it done. See Rule #1.

Images

Images … how long does that take me and do I have a special secret source?

Lol, Google … my special secret source is literally Google images and I shamelessly steal (until someone stops me.)

Music

Not usually in the first go-round of a piece … no … it’s hard to find music that matches my mental rhythm. Though that being said … it’s a real delight when I do. One time I rode classic guitar artist Ott Mar Leiburt through 5,000 words worth of rambling.

Coffee or Tea

Coffee, fam …  you know this.

But honestly, my best writing happens during my second puff 😉

And you probably could’ve guessed that, too.

When it comes to “process”

It doesn’t matter what works for me … It only matters what works for you, as measured by whatever gets you to write … again, it’s Rule #1.

If you think you’re struggling with process… it’s because you’re really struggling with just sitting down and writing. If you focus on that … the rest of what does and doesn’t work will become apparent.

Sit down and write. Take note of what situation or stimuli compels you to write more (or better) and/or what holds you back from it. Do more of the former and/or less of the latter. And sure, research what others do, if that helps. But mostly, just write.

Give yourself what you need, then get out of your own way.

shakeitoff | @ copyright 2020

Mental Health, What Does it look like?

And what do “happiness” and “depression” even look like?

This article isn’t about serious mental health disorders … diagnosed or otherwise. It’s not about conditions that are well-established … medicated, or treated. It’s not about those who suffer through living day to day. It’s not about suicidal tendencies.

This article is about  … and for  … all the rest of you just outside of that.

“Sane” as measured by “status quo”

We do this. And it’s weird that we do … because many, many people within the status quo are sad and broken as fuck inside. In fact … one could even argue that the status quo in the US is depression.

And yet we continue to look to others for markers of normalcy … judging anyone outside of it as “mentally unhealthy.”

There’s a cognitive bias for accepting what’s “common” as correct.

What’s “right?” What’s “mentally healthy?”

It’s what everyone else is doing.

This bias is similar to the “bandwagon effect”  … the tendency to do and believe what other people do or believe … somewhat like “groupthink” and/or “herd behavior.”

What it’s similar to is “status quo bias”  … the desire for things to stay the same  …  but taking it one step further.

And in this context … it’s even similar to “system justification”  … the theory that people’s needs can be met by the status quo; the need for “order and stability,” for example, it makes the status quo seem “good, legitimate, and even desirable.”

Is “normal” also “mentally healthy?”

Status-chasing … markers … and misery

But is the status quo sane?

They say people who spend a lot of time on social media are depressed, and I believe it. Whether it’s causation or correlation … and regardless of which may be causing which … I can totally believe that spending that much time with superficial markers will truly fuck with your head.

But it’s not really a social media thing. People who try to “keep up with the Joneses” are always basically miserable inside … regardless of how and where they do the comparing.

And people who talk incessantly about happiness and being happy are … in my experience … almost always over-compensating for the lack of it.

Ignorance is bliss

And  … I say this with love  … this is why so many people believe they are “happy.” Or, in any case, where they believe they find happiness  … that is until awareness is pressed upon them. Because, they tell themselves … if we don’t try … we can’t fail … if we don’t ask questions … we won’t get bad answers … if we don’t leave our lane … we can’t be sideswiped by a semi. But the reality is: we still can … and do.

Too many people live like this … they follow along the prescribed path, never asking questions … pausing … exploring or pushing back.

And when they wake up one day and realize that they’re unhappy … they shrug off the blame, as though to say … it’s not my fault … I did everything I was supposed to … and hunker back down into escapism and distractions.

And I ask of you … is that a better measure of mental health?

People think critical thinking and challenge is “cynicism.” They think teasing out other possible answers is “depression.” I know this because I’ve lived it and heard it my whole life. I am bi-polar.

They think it’s something serious to address … something far more serious than living lives of quiet desperation. The rattling of a cage … the sweat on one’s temple … the furrowed brow … makes them far more uncomfortable and they think questioning the status quo means a mental health problem.

But worse … they also feel this is an insult.

The unexamined life is not worth living

It was Socrates who said that.

And I happen to agree … pushed to choose … I’d rather be jaded than faded. I’d rather be questioning shit at the risk of bliss or normalcy than take either of the latter.

Maybe that’s just me … but that’s part of the point.

“Happiness” isn’t necessarily the end goal

And to the extent that “happiness” is synonymous with “mental health.” I guess that’s not the end goal either … but I’m still not sure why mental health has to be called into question at all. Especially since … as I have established in this blog, “normal” isn’t a good measure when so many “normal” people … subservient to the status quo … are quietly broken.

Happiness is … in the very least … something infinitely more complex than hedonism … escapism … or ignorant bliss.

When a mental health disorder is debilitating, that’s one thing. But when it’s a matter of subjectivity … and some of that subjective shit can get really ugly. This must be left to the individual in question and not others who invite themselves in and impose.

The end goal is subjective

Sometimes “happiness” is in challenging things … it is in asking the questions.

Some people are far happier (if I must put it that way) questioning romance and conventional love and even calling it bullshit … than they ever were sitting on a beach sipping mai tais or churning away on what everyone else is doing.

And the solution isn’t in medicating one self enough to be happy.

The solution is in finding better answers. And part of those answers include understanding that the objective isn’t necessarily “normalcy,” especially when normalcy is so poorly defined.

It’s far “healthier” to look your life in the eye and decide things for yourself, at the risk of being battered at the hand of the universe … coming out a little weathered on the other side … than sit idly by and accept what’s delivered to your doorstep with a smile that barely hides that perpetual sinking feeling you have inside.

It’s “healthier” to actually live … to admit to … and abandon … what doesn’t work … to risk scars, loss and hurt … to talk about things like a realist in order to live in a higher reality.

shakeitoff @ copyright 2020

It’s what you commit to, not what you find …

One of the biggest questions in love is whether or not your partner is “the one,” and, more specifically, how to know.

1. First of all: there is no “the one”

Hear me out a second.

I know you don’t like this. I know you aren’t here for it. I know you like some people (or one person) more than anyone else … and many people in the world could never be “the one” for you. That’s all absolutely true … some people are better or worse fits for each other. Of course. But that doesn’t mean there’s literally only one … at least not in the way we mean; not as someone to be “found” or “mined” from the human population. And I say this as an optimist, not a pessimist.

Relationship success doesn’t hinge on finding the one “right” person, and one of the most common phrases you will always hear is:

It’s not about the idea … it’s about the execution.

Forbes has run articles on it. Even James Burrows, the creator of Friends said it.

It matters less what you start with … and much more what you put in. An exceptional person with a mediocre idea has much higher odds of succeeding than a mediocre person who’s got the “perfect” one idea.

The same goes for love, because it’s all human beings and everything life has to offer up. Someone who is a great partner has much higher odds of success than someone mediocre who instead focuses on “having” one.

It’s not about your partner, it’s about your effort.

Love is a choice … not an emotion. Love is an action … not a feeling. Love is deliberate … not passive. Love is not something that happens “to you;” love is something you do.

But what about “their” actions you might argue.

Yes … I agree … that matters, too. But we don’t control other people; we only control ourselves. Which is why emotional stability and emotional self-sufficiency is the most important thing in a partner. Focus on finding someone who has that and once you do, trust that the rest is in good hands. Then focus on your domain, which is you.

But! “Chemistry” you cry!

Yes … Chemistry … duh. There are still fundamentally-incompatible potential partners … just like there are terrible business ideas. Some starting points are definitively better than others.

But chemistry isn’t the end all be all … and it isn’t the secret to love, just like “motivation” or “inspiration” aren’t the secrets to success.

“Chemistry” is simply … your favorite flavor of shit sandwich. The chemistry just makes “the work” feel like a labor of love — but success is still more about work, not “chemistry.” The chemistry just makes the effort easier.

Great news! You can still have “the one”

But it’s what you create and commit to, not “find.”

Many business owners are “all in” on their company, but they aren’t committed because it’s “the one”; it’s “the one” because they’re committed.

One of my absolute favorite references to this is from the film Five Year Engagement when Jason Segel’s character explains his breakup by saying,

“Look, we’re not 100% right for each other.”

To which his mother replies …

“You’re being so fucking dumb … I got news for you, moron. Your father and I … we’re not even 90% right for each other. Not even 60%, okay? But he’s the love of my life.”

I recalled that scene and thought it to be perfect for this article. It’s beautiful and true.

“The One” is not about perfection; it’s about the decision.

My partner is the love of my life, even from a purely logistical standpoint, because I’ve spent the last four years caring about her, which is longer than any of my past relationships. Rounding up, she’s already “forever” for me. Because I kept her and I chose her.

2. Having “The One” is mostly on you.

Get your head straight.

Love is more about your emotional sufficiency and work than anything else … and your willingness to embrace this is one of the biggest factors in good love.

Happiness is internal … not external.

Happiness starts and ends with you. If you keep defining “the one” as the person who will soothe all of your insecurities, you’re going to go your whole life looking in vain.

Nobody is here to be your emotional savior.

This is what the whole “emotional self-sufficiency” thing is about, and why it’s so important. If you don’t love yourself and meet your own needs … nobody else’s efforts will ever be enough.

Relinquish your need for concrete … black and white signs, fam.

Happiness is like a butterfly: the more you chase it … the more it will elude you, but if you turn your attention to other things … it will come and sit softly on your shoulder.

If you’re waiting for a clearcut … definite … black and white … concrete “sign” that they’re “the one,” you’re gonna be waiting forever. Love doesn’t work like that.

The “knowing” in love is inherently abstract. You can fight this … pushing for more clarity, but the “certainty” in love is not concrete … there will never be anything to point to … touch … or measure.

So if you’re not open to “abstract certainty,” you will never … ever experience love. You’ll be too distracted looking for “concrete signs” that … by nature, will never appear. Instead, you’ll probably latch onto concrete signs that have nothing at all to do with love … and end up disappointed in other ways.

Love means relinquishing your need for concrete.

Relinquish your stupid “checklist”

Get your priorities straight.

If you’ve absorbed everything you’ve read so far … you see how your “checklist” is totally meaningless … and distracts you from a meaningful relationship. You will never build “meaning” if you keep shoving it into or making it compete with fundamentally meaningless boxes like “income” or “attractiveness.” You either want superficial shit, or you want meaning. Chasing both, pits them against each other.

If you really and truly want meaning, you will readily sacrifice the superficial to get it. Because when you truly want meaning, only meaning matters.

I know you think you can chase both … but you can’t. I’m not saying you can’t end up with both … you might build a meaningful relationship with someone attractive or whatever else … but you will never … ever … cultivate meaning by actively chasing superficial shit. It fundamentally strangles meaning … and the best you’ll end up with is forcing or wringing “meaning” from someone to justify your superficial attraction to them.

The thing that should be at the top of your checklist is emotional stability and self-sufficiency. And it should be the top thing you cultivate in yourself as well.

Emotional stability is first on my own list of only three things I need in a partner. I don’t care what she makes … how tall she is … or what she drives. I only care about what matters … and as a result, am much happier than ever before (including dating girls who made 2 or 3 times more than I did). And not slightly happier; rather … so much more that it’s laughable to even make a comparison.

“But I still really want someone hot/wealthy/whatever.”

Then you’re not truly ready for real love and I don’t even know why you’re here. When you’re really ready for love, those things pale in comparison.

If you don’t care about meaning enough to still care about superficial shit … then we’re not even having the same conversation here and I can’t help you beyond stating the obvious: prioritize your dumb list (“top 3?” you do you) and find the person who best meets them. Just don’t go whining at people once you do and it’s not “love.” Because, well … fucking duh!

“No, I mean I want everything”

Then you get nothing.

Those people you think “have it all” are some of the most desperately unhappy people behind closed doors … because they’re so consumed with keeping up the image of happiness. There is no “everything.” … there is no “anything”. You end up with a big fat nothing.

So pick three.

But what three?!

Omg … I literally already gave you the first one. FFS, surely you can think up two more.

3. You don’t feel compelled to tell everyone.

The first rule of Fight Club is: you do not talk about Fight Club. The second rule of Fight Club is: you DO NOT talk about Fight Club!

Secure people don’t go around talking about being secure. Happy people don’t talk about how happy they are. And, after the first few weeks, genuinely happy couples in love don’t talk about their love, either. People who incessantly emphasize their unyielding love are:

Overcompensating … trying to brute-force it into existence because it isn’t.

Afraid things might end at any moment.

They are flailing. Love is actions … not words. And little actions … not grandiose displays.

Studies show that couples who have expensive weddings or get married on Valentine’s Day have the highest divorce rates … showmanship is a red flag.

Love means never having to say “they’re The One”

When you really have “the one,” you don’t feel compelled to go around saying it. Doing so just feels unnecessary or silly.

4. Forget “you just know.” It’s more “you don’t even wonder.”

This is my answer to everyone wondering “so, can anyone be ‘The One’?”

No.

There’s still something magical about the right relationship.

Getting there is everything above. Knowing that you’ve gotten there is when the question of “The One” seems small and silly … the answer so obvious it’s not even worth asking.

I have a more quiet conviction for my current partner than I ever did anyone else. Whereas I used to answer the question of “is she the one?” with “well, I can’t see myself with anyone else,” or “I guess,” or “it certainly seems that way,” my answer with my current partner is more like “lol.” Like, what a silly question. It’s like being asked if you like breathing; barely even worth asking or answering “yes.” Because of course.

She just is … I just am … we just are … it just is … it always has been; always will be. It’s in the only thing that matters, which is right now. It just is.

I don’t wonder.

And I know I just said that happy people don’t talk about being happy … and here I am doing it. But the difference is we’re talking about it and I’m sharing my own experience. You’re being open by reading me; I’m being open in response. The red flag is randomly emphasizing it during brunch or something when nobody even asked.

And to be frank:
“If you ask yourself if this is it … then it isn’t.”

But what if I DO still wonder or I’m still NOT sure?

Fuck me … really, damn. Go re-read points 1 and 2 of this post and find the fallout. It’s in there somewhere.

I’m not saying it’s not your partner … maybe they are fundamentally wrong for you. I’m also not saying it has to work … or that it can’t. Maybe it can; maybe not.

But it always starts with you. Something’s off … but before you go breaking up with them … I’d encourage you to re-read points 1 and 2. A lot of “not working” falls on us … our efforts … and our mindset. And “knowing” whether someone is “The One” requires that we first “know” what makes a good relationship … which is: emotional self-sufficiency … good priorities … morals and effort.

And that’s all I got.
shakeitoff @ copyright 2020

What Even Is Happiness?

And if we don’t know, why do we chase it?

Last year was arguably one of the best years of my life.

That’s not to say this year won’t be as well … maybe it will … so calm down … but in terms of being able to look back on things with the clarity of not being in real-time. Last year, of all the years in my life, was pretty darn great.

And I was even pretty sure of it at the time … which is truly fortunate in the grand scheme of things … but I gave it a full calendar year before confirming.

I said to myself … just that … “Last year was the happiest year of my life.”

And, because I often have full conversations with myself … My brain asked, “why?”

Of course making me laugh as I answered, half in shock, “The Fly.” And then laughed a bit more before clarifying, “yeah … and the trees and taking online courses and humidity and road trips and a whole bunch of other things … most of which wouldn’t have even happened if it hadn’t been for her. So sure, they’re worth noting … but my happiness … definitely all her.”

And I guess this answer satisfied my brain, because it didn’t have any further clarifying questions.

When I look back … I can see the pangs of fear I’d buried, day to day. The days when I had first moved in … I didn’t want to leave the house for fear I would somehow lose my way. Yet, anyone who knows me knows I prefer to stay home anyway. Simply put, I was too immersed in my own journey to do anything else. I’m not one to … say, go out and meet new friends. My days consisted more often where I would sit and read everything I could find on a particular subject of research and the whole day would be gone before I knew it. But I do enjoy the occasional trip to the corner Starbucks … mostly to just be out in public … to remind myself, I am like other people.

Those moments in the beginning were all framed by fear. And something a little like “loneliness,” albeit not real loneliness … just more like that sad loneliness we get when we realize winter is settling in each fall. Something very still … and a little scary. Something we’re socialized to smooth over with other things. Something we’ll bury regardless … whether we sit in our living room or in a public coffee house.

I have worked from home for like the last 4 years.

One time I was dating this gal whom I thought … at the time … made me happy enough. The key here is “enough.” I always knew I wasn’t ecstatic, but I thought it was okay for then. Apparently, I am woefully bad at knowing what makes me happy, because I aggressively charged forward with the business of having a girlfriend, any girlfriend. I willfully ignored all the signs until it got to the point of watching myself do things entirely unfamiliar to me.

Like the morning I had a panic attack … when I was so unfamiliar with the concept of a panic attack that I didn’t even know that it was a panic attack until later. I described it to a friend and she stared at me in horror and then clarified for me … spoken slowly and in short words, “Tone. That’s a panic attack. You had a panic attack.”

This was the same friend that had to explain to me that my current relationship was abusive. Which it was … which is probably why I had said panic attack.

And yet … during all of this … I thought it was all good enough. “Relationships take work,” after all. Certainly, take sacrifice. I was terrible at understanding how that should look … and where to draw the line. What’s happiness, and what’s downright hateful.

“You don’t know how to be happy.”

A girlfriend of four years, the one after the panic-attack one, told me that once.

Actually, she didn’t tell me; she told my mom … and then she told me. But when it came to their weird-ass work-around relationship, it was kind of the same thing. They both had a lot of opinions about me, “supported” by “conversations” they’d never had with me and things I’d never said. Not that I’m bitter or anything. Because I’m not. Seriously, fuck it..

For a long time I thought that assessment was outright unfair at best; wrong at worst. And then for a brief period of time … I thought maybe it was true. Now I’m back to asking:

What is happiness even?

And if we don’t have a good answer to that question, what does it even matter?

Happiness vs. Meaning

And, arguably… “meaning” vs. something further still.

In a 2019 study, Stanford professors recognized that the sole pursuit of happiness leads to “a meaningless life,” and that:

“Happiness without meaning characterizes a relatively shallow, self-absorbed or even selfish life … in which things go well … needs and desires are easily satisfied … and difficult or taxing entanglements are avoided.”

Victor Frankl writes that work means more than happiness. And Mihlacky Sikszentmiha, author of Flow, you know the one, emphasizes the importance of pursuing mastery of something over passive leisure (the latter of which many of us identify as “happiness.”)

We impose happiness on ourselves. And worse, we impose it on others … upholding the phrases “I just want you to be happy” as the pinnacle of love or something, and the suggestion that “you just don’t know how to be happy” is downright pretentious and they need to be slapped.

But after a while they both felt like the same: being shoved into some adorable little box you had no intention of being in. Conventional sure … but uncomfortable nonetheless.

Happiness vs… something else?

Or, in the least … happiness redefined?

I’m not even sure life inherently needs to have meaning. We hold that over our own heads, too. And not to go full nihilist on your ass, there are a lot of moments … increasingly … when I’m like “yeah, but where’s the data on that though?” Who decided this whole thing had to have meaning … how is that not just our ego barking in our ear and … perhaps most ironically: how is that expectation not setting us up for the same unhappiness we were trying to avoid.

And if we suspend that assumption … and don’t chase happiness … don’t chase meaning, rather than closing life off … it actually opens life up. Because we don’t have everything in a chokehold of expectation … and let things unfold as they will … we exist a lot more lightly and, perhaps more importantly … with honesty and in alignment with the way things should be and the way things actually are.

shakeitoff @ copyright 2020

How We Respond Is What Matters …

It’s the only thing we actually control.

External events do not harm us … only our responses to them can.

It may sound counterintuitive, “of course external events can harm us!” we might protest, “I can get hit by a bus, or my partner might leave me!”

But the reality is that the story doesn’t actually end with the external occurrence … even though so many people think it does. We perceive and talk about these events as though they are the defining moment … and sort of gloss over everything available to us afterwards.

These events only have the power that we choose to give them. They only destroy us because we think they are destructive … and allow them to deside our mood … in essence allow them to run our lives.

Eleanor Roosevelt famously said,

“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”

And the same is true with anything external … not just other people.

If our judgement about any event is that it is horrible, then we allow ourselves to dwell in the belief that we are far worse off if they happen. But if we strip external events of their power, and reclaim our internal power to decide … gage … and assign value … we maintain control of our lives … and happiness.

Because our internal judgements are independent of external events … the occurrence of a bad event does not necessarily have to result in frustration or sadness.

If we lose something dear to us and get down ourselves … the problem is not the loss … but our outlook on it.

Life results in loss. Loss will happen. It’s part of being alive. And while loss looks different from person to person and we experience different things … to go through life allowing any external event to bully us or push us around emotionally in any direction, we are choosing to surrender our control … and wellbeing.

We assign too much power to internal emotions as well.

And not nearly enough to reason and balance; to reclaiming control rather than allowing ourselves to be rocked by what we feel.

Roman politician and lawyer Cicero said,

“When misfortunes appear on the horizon, we exaggerate them more, because of the pain they are causing us. These feelings compel us to put blame on the circumstances, when what we ought to be blaming is a deficiency in our own character.”

Obviously, most of us are not immune to external events. Most of us are going to feel negative emotions … anger … sadness … heartbreak, etc… over negative things happening.

But recognizing that there is an inner core that is free no matter the circumstances … and recognizing that our mindset is not at the mercy of external events … or our immediate emotional response to it … but rather something that is under our control can go a long way in fostering a healthier, happier outlook.

And it can help us maintain emotional wellbeing when things do go wrong … which they will.

All of us will experience daily frustrations, setbacks and loss. But it is only our assessment of the event and how much power we choose to give it … especially through emotions. … And our wellbeing … conversely … is also entirely in our own control … should we only choose.

shakeitoff @ copyright 2019

30 Q’s For The Person Who Ghosted You …

A stab at some of that communication.

A while back a comrade of mine mentioned that she felt I had ghosted her. So, in light of said comrades feelings, I posted a list of shit to ask the person who you feel suddenly disappeared without explanation or closure. Most importantly … subsequently ignored all of your attempts at communication … especially texts. Leaving you with questions … apparently at least 30.

Technically speaking, I don’t think I’m a ghoster … I may roll to a slow fade, but typically I’ll deflect texts rather than ignore them altogether. But on the other hand, I’m definitely drama avoidant and I have to imagine some of us probably ghost without realizing.

Either way … whether I speak from experience or empathy … here’s my effort:

1. Why did you bother talking to me in the first place?

Hold up. What?

I guess I’m a bit confused here, because the answer seems so obvious. I have to imagine this question is just … idk … salty.

But either way … just to be clear … because I was interested.

I “bothered” talking to you in the same way we try anything in life even though we may later decide it doesn’t work for us. We’re interested at the time.

2. What am I supposed to do if we run into each other?

Say hi … or not say hi. Whatever you would like, I suppose. I will probably be cordial, but I understand if that doesn’t work for you.

Big question back to you: if you avoided me, would you first tell me that you were going to avoid me … or just do it and expect me to “take the hint?”

3. How many people did you ghost before me?

Heyo, sexism. Men get ghosted, too, ladies.

But to answer: I don’t know. Just like I don’t know how many people I’ve had coffee or hung out with but with whom I am no longer friends.

4. At what point exactly did you decide that I deserved to be ignored altogether?

It doesn’t work like that.

First and most importantly: it was never a matter of thinking you “deserved” anything. We don’t ghost as punishment. In the same way you’re more focused on your feelings here, we’re also more focused on ours.

Second, there was very likely no single point … but rather a culmination … or lack thereof.

***5. How would you like it if I ghosted you?***

This is probably the #1 thing you should take away:

You’re hurt because you think I’m violating The Golden Rule. But the harsher reality is that I’m not.

If you ghosted me, I would move on and let it go.

This is a big part of the reason that I assume you will.

To be honest, I might not even notice. Someone recently asked if I’d ever been ghosted and I truly had no idea, because things “not working out” and us no longer talking are ordinary the course of business.

But even if I noticed, I would really and truly chalk it up to “your loss, not mine” and move the fuck on.

I don’t spend my life mourning for, or worrying about people who don’t want to spend time with me … and you shouldn’t either.

6. Was it something I said, or something I did?

Idk, maybe both … maybe neither. It’s case by case and tough to say.

7. Why did you change your mind?

See above.

8. Do you still think about me? Ever? At least a little?

Of course.

9. Will you ghost the next girl too?

I don’t know. It doesn’t work like that.

10. Have you been ghosted before? Is this like a ghosting pay it forward thing?

As I mentioned, I honestly don’t know whether or not I’ve ever been ghosted.

But no, it’s not a “ghosting pay it forward” thing.

11. Did you do this to look *cool* in front of your friends?

What? No … do people still think like this at our age?

12. What would your mom think?

Real talk: My mother probably wouldn’t care.

After all, how do you think I developed my avoidant behavior?

Technically speaking, I probably ghost her a little from time to time, too.

13. How would you feel if your sister was ghosted?

Sign of the times … honestly. I’d say to her the same things I’m saying to you.

14. If we ever start talking again, would you have the guts to ghost me again? Is double ghosting your trademark or something?

Doesn’t this happen? Aren’t they called “zombies,” the ones who “come back from the dead?” Either way, I wouldn’t put it past us. See #5.

15. Why is it so hard for you to just text back?

It’s not “hard.”

It’s that our desire to not text back is greater than our desire to text back. I don’t want to continue, and texting is continuing.

16. Should I expect an apology at some point down the line, once you realize what an asshole you’ve been?

Probably not, honestly … because, a.) I don’t realize I’ve hurt your feelings, and … b.) we probably won’t ever speak again, or c.) I just don’t care.

I lean more towards … a.)

17. Do you ghost your own issues too?

Wait. What? I think you’re skewing the definition of ghosting.

Are you now defining it not as a “lack of communication,” but rather “avoidance?”

Because uh, geeze … I routinely do all kinds of things … stop going to restaurants … switch banks … quit gyms, etc … without a final text announcing my departure.

With most things in life, leaving is the communication. Leaving is handling it. So, if that’s what you still mean by “ghosting,” then, uh … yeah, I definitely do that. All over my shit; all things in life.

If you’re really asking whether I “avoid issues,” then I think you’re projecting a bit.

Because I didn’t “avoid” my version of the conflict. My “issue” was the relationship itself, and my desired outcome was to no longer see each other. My actions … however flawed … resolved that.

I only “avoided” your version of the conflict. Your desired outcome is an explanation. And sweety … I love you, but the very brutal truth here is that your feelings are no longer my “issue.”

Do I avoid things in life? Sure. Because we all do. But this isn’t like that … at least not for me.

18. Are you at all concerned about your reputation?

There are two camps of people … those who are highly motivated by their standing with others and carry anxiety accordingly … and those who refuse to carry anxiety over what other people think and risk pariahdom.

I am closer to the latter. That … and I’ll go ahead and be the asshole who points out that there’s more to reputation than how we close out a relationship.

19. Why is honest communication so terrifying to you?

It’s not “terrifying.” I can think of countless other things more terrifying than texting you.

Don’t assign emotions to me.

20. Why are you still following me and reading my stuff on social media?

Okay, so: I personally do not do this, but each to their own.

But, hypothetically, if I did: the primary reason would be because a.) I assume we’re cool (again, see #5) and b.) I still like you as a person. So “liking” your shit now is the same as “liking” your shit before.

However, reasons other people may do it: they want to keep you for future options, they think you’re cool, they still like your shit, they want to be on your mind with minimal investment, etc. I don’t know peeps.

21. Do you realize you’re making a normal person seem crazy?

Do you realize that you are in control of your own reactions, not me?

22. Do you regret it? Like, at all? Even a smidge?

See #5. If I don’t realize I hurt your feelings, I can’t regret it.

23. What goes through your head when you are ghosting someone?

Very little. Usually something similar to the text you think you want. Some variation of “nah, kid” or “this ain’t working” or “I’m not feeling you right now.”

Most often, though, it’s simply: *heavy sigh*… “No.”

24. When will you realize that there is nothing sexy about it?

Do people currently think there is something sexy about it?

25. Do you realize that ghosting only makes you a coward?

In your eyes, sure. That … and an asshole. I get it.

But, to split hairs: I am only behaving cowardly. In this situation. That does not … necessarily … make me a coward. Do you realize you don’t fight fair?

Here are a few other thoughts that are logical on their own:

There are many other things more cowardly than this.

There are many faults other than cowardice, many of which are worse.

We are all a little flawed and cause harm in different ways, yourself included.

26. Do you ghost your clients and colleagues too?

Sure. I don’t ghost them for real … in the long term … but sure … I might neglect to ever reply to some messages and emails. That’s kinda normal.

Some of my friends manage to ignore my emails, too … and guess what? I take the hint.

27. Do you feel at all guilty?

See #22. And #5.

28. Aren’t you concerned about your Karma?

See #5

29. How many ghosts will it take for you to settle down?

It doesn’t work like that. And I think you know this.

30. When exactly do you plan to grow up?

Obviously not exactly a question you actually expect an answer to.

But other than that, this was me on behalf of ghosters, thoroughly not ghosting. I hope it helps.

shakeitoff @ copyright 2019

A Toxic Waste Of Time …

I don’t wanna be friends, and I sure as fuck don’t need a BFF.

C.S. Lewis, was quoted saying: “Friendship is unnecessary … like philosophy … like art. It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things that give value to survival.”

But … big caveat … it has to actually give value. And it often doesn’t.

You can like other people without wanting to be friends with them.

There are people out there who skirt friendship on basis of social anxiety or sociopathic tendencies. But that’s not always the sitch … at least not entirely.

I think people are rad. I like them a fucking lot, and I can make friends just fine. I just don’t want to.

People as individuals … and their most human everyday experiences … are actually my favorite subjects in the entire universe to think and write about, and I find other people, on a whole, utterly fascinating.

I also like talking to people, and I don’t even mind making small talk … certainly helps in some situations … and sometimes, it’s even amusing. To be fair … I got a lot better at this after working at my fathers company, where I was responsible for sales, and whereas before I would often dodge small talk with the best of them, I can now do it with nearly anyone … and usually I enjoy it.

So when it comes to making friends, there’s no problem with logistics. I do have a few friends, have had several best friends in my life, and make friends rather easily. I actually truly don’t understand what people are talking about when they complain about how hard it is to make friends … especially “as an adult,” I have a harder time not making friends.

People want to like other people, and the formula is freakishly easy.

I just don’t want to do it.

Friendships are little socially-construed gremlin children.

I don’t really get it, this arbitrary compulsion to have friends.

I guess, tbf, I think most relationships are sort of socially-construed and bastardized. Like I also don’t understand why we uphold the social obligations that keep us all tethered to family members, which we chalk up as “love” and then protect vehemently, regardless of how healthy those relationships are.

I mean … okay, I do get it. I understand it’s a value system thing. I can see what’s going on, with regard to tradition and stability and social norms. I get the appeal.

For other people.

And as much as I’m willing to say “you do you, boo boo,” Imma gonna do me, but if you want to go through life scooping up other human beings like carnival teddy bears and line them all up for your own amusement, go for it. But that’s just not my bag, baby.

Most friendships are codependent.

Especially the “BFF” ones.

They’re so often made up of two enablers who do little more than remind each other, in a time of micro-crisis “my Tinder date ghosted me to!” … that they are not alone … and others are fucking up in the same way.

Proof: the countless cutesy memes and tweets and tumblr posts and t-shirts and whatever else, saying as much. Here’s one, just for example:

And like, I guess. But also … no thank you.

People start to feel entitled to your personal life.

And not in a loving way.

People get a little close to you and suddenly think they’re entitled to know everything about you. They position this as though it’s “caring,” but it’s fucking not. They’re just boorish and impolite. They’re more interested in satiating their own curiosity … and probably immediately telling someone else if there’s a good story … then, they are genuinely interested in your experience or concerns.

It’s the conversational equivalent of inviting someone over to your home and them rooting through your medicine cabinet and sock drawers.

This is rude AF and not cute.

When I moved from Houston, people who barely knew me would text and blatantly ask: what happened?? Did you and your girlfriend breakup?? Did someone die?? One laughed: “I love how fucking random you are!”

And like … wow … tact … much? Fucking hi … and good-fucking-bye.

Most people don’t share your viewpoints or values.

And if you don’t share those … you really cannot be friends.

I rode a motorcycle cross-country in the middle of Midwest winter. I went from making six digits … then owning my own business … to being a broke unemployed writer. I consider myself to be a fairly attractive man in his early 50’s and making friends is nowhere near the top of my list of priorities.

Let’s just stop with those three things and ask ourselves: how much time do you imagine I have to spend “explaining” these decisions to others? How much of that do you think is more like me making them feel better about my decisions?

Spoiler: a lot.

An exhausting lot. And I literally have so many other things I’d rather do than walk someone through the intimate details of my life and value system, when all they’re doing on the other side is consuming, judging, and refusing to understand.

People get too grabby with your attention.

The sheer amount of texting and hanging out and validation is just too much, fam.

You cannot text me every day. Srsly. I don’t text my mom every day, I don’t text my brother every day, and I sure as fuck don’t want to see a text from you every day … or even once a week. There is not nearly enough time in the universe if everyone in my life did this, and I’m not about to make a special exception just for you.

One of my “good” friends (though not a BFF by any means) wanted a standing call with me every Saturday night, because he’d been dumped by a girl whom he’d dated for a few months … several weeks earlier.

He wanted this because “Saturday nights are the hardest.” And like, bet… for you they are! But at this point you’re just pulling me down into this with you, and making my Saturday night about your inability to get over some barbie doll you barely dated.

I did this 2 or 3 times before I opted out.

People use other people as crutches rather than getting their shit together.

My god, this constant fucking need for reassurance. My fuck all it’s exhausting.

I’ll make friends sometimes and I’ll really invest and ask about their love life and really fucking listen and care.

And all of a sudden I’ll realize that we’ve had the same fucking conversation like 12 times. And once I see this, I’m like “holy shit, what is this?! Nah … hard stop.”

Because if you don’t care enough about your life to fix it … why the fuck are you wasting my time expecting me to care?

Just for the record … since this is their “situation,” and my advice like 80% of the time is: she’s just not that into you. Move the fuck on.

People get too grabby with your time.

One of my colleagues once called me and left a harried voicemail demanding that I call him back “immediately!” Not because something was wrong, but because he had something “exciting” to tell me, and needed me to call back “as soon as you get this!”

I did not fucking appreciate that.

Fuck. Off.

My own mother doesn’t get to demand “immediate” from me. My partner, who’s my favorite person in the world, doesn’t get to. The only person who’s ever come close to having my immediate attention was my primary 2nd man in the company I built, and it was our largest program by revenue ever.

So until you are that, you do not get to make any assumptions or demands regarding where you fall on my list of priorities for my “immediate” attention.

When I called him back after a few hours, the first thing he said was, “man, you are tough to get ahold of!!” And the first thing I thought in response was, “I’d bet anything this is part of why you’re single.”

Where he got off thinking he could demand I drop everything absolutely blew my mind.

But people do this to each other.

People are petty, envious fuckers.

I stopped spending time with one of my best friends. See? I HAVE had them before … when he started saying shit like “you’re so far ahead of me in life,” followed by lots of questions, backwards compliments … and offhanded insults regarding my work and love life. When I started my company, he told me … obviously as a result of envy-fueled conversations with his girlfriend, “he said starting a company isn’t that hard … It’s just a job until you hire people.” And I was like, “uh yeah, pretty much true.” So how about you doing it yourself … instead of trying to push me down?

I thought we were equal … and I liked the guy … but that shit became exhausting.

I’m just saying, that’s not a real friend.

In general: people are selfish and use other people to feel better about themselves.

* They use them to soothe loneliness or self-doubt.

* They use them for reassurance.

* They use them to distract themselves from the emptiness of
their own lives.

* They use them when they are bored.

* They use them when they want to do something but can’t
possibly do it alone.

* They use them to vent … about bullshit that doesn’t matter
to anyone else.

* They use them for their opinions … so that they don’t have to
make their own.

* They use them to feel more attractive … the classic hot guy / fat guy combo.

* They use them to hear themselves talk … and they choose
like-minded people who will echo back “you’re so right.”

Some people actually collect friends so that they’ll have enough groomsmen or bridesmaids or guests at their next soiree. Like, are you fucking kidding me? Your values are all kinds of fucked.

People tend to use other people as barometers, so they know they’re on the right track … or at least doing as well as … if not better than, those they’re calling “friends.”

I don’t get anything out of a friendship.

Does that make me a fair-weather friend? Nope, it does not … You have to first be friends, to be a fair-weathered one.

You shouldn’t go into friendship thinking about what you get out of it.

Or.

Socializing is more in the sphere of basic needs, than it is in the capitalist interpretation of the world ‘what will I gain from this?

Lies.

Of course you should think about what you might get out of it. Otherwise, why the fuck would you even foster relationships? I mean … really. Though … why?

This isn’t about “capitalism,” but it is about basic ROI on your time, energy and attention.

There is literally nothing I need from friends. I humor people and hang out with them if they ask me enough times and don’t seem too needy … and, to be fair … yes, I have fun, but there’s nothing I get out of managing those relationships in the long term.

* I don’t need their life advice.

* I definitely don’t care about their fashion advice.

* I don’t need their book or restaurant or podcast recommendations.

* I don’t need them to keep me company when I’m lonely, or reassure me when I’m in doubt.

* I don’t need to be entertained.

* I don’t need the buddy system to go out into public.

* And … I most certainly don’t need someone to squeal “omg me toooo!” at anything.

That’s selfish, conceited, or narcissistic.

Is it tho? It’s selfish, not to allow yourself to be used? It’s selfish, not to use others? Then sure, I fucking guess.

I wonder how well you’d fare in a time of some cataclysmic event where food isn’t readily available … electricity isn’t at your fingertips … and shelter isn’t so easy to find. Having friends you could rely on would be quite nice when the time came.”

Hold up … that’s less selfish?

Cuz … I mean … keeping people around just so they can help me out in the event of an emergency kinda sounds more … not less selfish to me.

That’s sad.

I mean … again … is it tho?

If I’m not sad about it … then who are you to swoop in and project emotions? Sorry, if my variety of happiness makes you sad.

This is a great fucking example of why we cannot … and will not be friends.

You’re just covering up your loneliness and frustration.

Lol, nah … I’m not lonely or frustrated at all.

Your projection here … not to mention lack of understanding or conceptualization around what I’m saying … is another great example of why we’re not friends.

But … But … “People need friends!”

Nah. People need relationships … but what we really need … is rich and genuine ones.

We are fragile and social animals. Because our brain still harbors those primitive behaviors. Also … science has mostly shown that interpersonal relationships are heavily responsible for the feeling of happiness. Not even psychopaths escape those statistics.

Yes, people are social creatures … and we live longer healthier lives when we have interpersonal relationships. I don’t disagree … and am certainly not immune to this.

It’s just that I approach friendships more deliberately … and am more likely to pursue a friendship as a result of meeting an awesome person … rather than moving through life sifting people I meet with the end goal of “filling up friendship slots.” (See below)

A note on the gender thing:

People are always telling me what they should and shouldn’t be doing … and the biggest offenders are other men.

Men should support men.

I have no problem supporting men. I’ll listen to mens podcasts … read men authors … watch films men put out … but supporting the work of men does not make me obligated to have them over for a beer.

Men need men friends.

Do they?? But y tho?!

What is with this arbitrary assessment and expectation of who we all “need” to be friends with. What do men offer that women don’t, and how is this assertion not inherently sexist as fuck?

I “need” men friends? Not men friends like this … I just don’t.

Why we gotta make this about gender, anyway?

I mean … for real.

You might be sitting there making this out to be some issue I have with gender … but part of me is kinda like “that’s you and not me.” I maintain a certain lifestyle … and especially at this age … I have found far more girls than dudes who can dig it.

The friends worth having.

The sort of people I do have in my life don’t need friends. They don’t go through life grasping at other people’s coattails like beggars on the street. They’re fully functional and rad in their own right. Awesome … let’s get that beer!

* They approach their friends for mutual growth … not as crutches or entertainment.

* Don’t “dig through your stuff,” (conversationally-speaking). They don’t pry into shit or ask about more than I’ve offered, and they definitely don’t do it after 1 or 2 hangouts.

* Don’t make demands on my attention or time.

* Share values and viewpoints … It’s fantastic when we can compare notes on, say … a life strategy, rather than someone just saying … omg, you should totally … (insert lame idea).

* Are colleagues, bc #sharedgoals.

* Are rad as fuck. Just worth repeating 🙂

When it comes to people like this … I’m happy to chill with them. It’s just that people like this are few and far between.

shakeitoff @ copyright 2019

I refuse to argue about …

Texts, date nights, strip clubs, and other shit I find stupid.

“You can tell the size of a man by the size of the things that bother him.”

And here’s a bunch of shit that’s far too small to squabble over:

While dating
Who pays on a first date.
Omg, I literally do not give a fuck. I will sooner pick it up myself than have this conversation or quibble over $27.

If you’re fine going Dutch on later dates, and you should be, because #whatyearisit? Then what’s the deal with putting on a big show for the first one? Do you also have good-luck first-date panties? If so, try putting on your big-girl ones instead. And let’s all move the fuck on already.

Who pays for all the dates thereafter?
See above.

(I actually just hate debating who pays for food and drink.)

How often we see each other
I dated a girl for five years that I only saw a few days a week, because we both traveled almost full time for work. I have lived with girls I saw daily, and I have been long-distance and gone months in between. I can make it work either way.

How often you text?
I don’t need this validation.

How often you compliment me?
See above. (Get it together, people.)

Where we go … or don’t go?
Okay, we won’t go to that coffee place I like but you hate. We’ll eat Mexican a few times a month, even though I hate it, because it’s your favorite. And then you’ll do the same for me and we will actually end up going to that coffee place I like but you hate. Because we let it be just about coffee and not about ego.

I’m more of a “just grab a drink” guy and totally content doing what looks to many like “nothing”, but I’m also down to try most anything once. We can hike or just watch movies. Do art galleries or pub crawls or stay in and read. Concerts for your type of music, rally races, the aquarium. I’ll go to at least one game with you and may even root for your team.

Labels.
Omg, I don’t care. The best “girlfriend” I ever had never called herself my girlfriend, and actions speak louder than words anyway.

While in a relationship
How the toilet seat is left.
Because I’ve learned that having it up is better than leaving it down to pee. And I don’t like having a conversation about it. I always leave it down.

All my girlfriends can thank my sister for this.

How the toothpaste is left.
I never squeezed from the middle or left the cap off, but I also didn’t do a meticulous roll and close the cap the last 1% … until the current GF pointed it out to me. So, no big deal, now I do. She also has a certain way she likes the soap bar left and, guess what, I do that too.

Chores.
I can’t believe how many people fight about chores … chores!

Beloved readers, chores are one of those things that just sort of have to happen in life. They’re not the end-all, be-all of anything, and they definitely should not occupy any serious headspace.

Fighting about chores is as dumb as fighting about how you write your 7’s or what order you put on your socks (and I’m sure people do that, too.)

I will sooner do all of the cleaning than divvy up chores like we’re 8 years old. I mean, I’d be doing it all myself if I lived on my own anyway, and getting a break on chores isn’t why I live with someone. I outright refuse to spend time discussing it.

Cleanliness.
Two people never have exactly the same standards. So to one person, the other will always be a slob. To the slob, the other will always be a control freak.

I am pretty much the clean freak in my current relationship. I have previously been accused of having OCD. I’ll sooner “clean up after you” than spend time arguing in defense of my personal preferences.

How often you see people … my friends … your friends … either of our families.
You do the obligatory meet and greet, and occasional holiday hello. You have done your due diligence.

You wanna power-hour it out with the girls, go for it. Need a week with your fam each Christmas? Be my guest … bowing out of drinks with my friends? Whatever, do you babe!

What you eat.
I’m not your daddy. You are you own person, and if I wouldn’t want you policing my diet, and I’m not going to go around policing yours.

Same goes for how often you work out, what time you go to bed, how much you drink. I mean, don’t get ridiculous with it (nobody wants an obese alcoholic), but other than that: again, you do you.

Home decor and household essentials.
I tend to date people with the same aesthetic (minimal) but the execution still varies by person, and that’s fine.

You want the pine bed frame? We’ll get the pine bed frame. You want a coffee table? Sure. That horrific piece of art that you think is awesome? Hang it on up!

I’ve had “comfy” sink-hole couches and I’ve had stiff, austere ones. Ugly rugs, small rugs, old rugs, no rugs. Throw blankets I didn’t know how to wash. Numerous high-top tables no good for writing. It’s all grand.

And if I don’t care about furniture, you can imagine how much I care about toilet paper brands.

Money.
One of the best parts about not being married is that your money is your money, and my money is mine. Not only does it make zero difference to me what you spend yours on, but it’s also pretty much none of my business.

Memory.
Either I have been gaslighted in every relationship (which is possible) or I don’t remember things. And it’s probably more that I don’t remember things, because frankly I don’t really care to.

I don’t give a fuck what time exactly we got home last Thursday, or whether it was blueberry or blackberry pie last Fourth of July. Sure, we were driving, not walking, and, sure, it was me and not you who last opened this drawer. Because I don’t care either way — and I know I’ve had entire conversations that I later erased.

So, I may layout a memory because that’s the reference I have, but the minute anyone is like “that’s not what happened,” I’m just like “aiight, fine.” Let’s move on.

And same goes for you, if you forget the milk or a conversation I know for a fact we just had. Well, we’re all human.

Sex (specifics)
I’m not hard to please here … a few times a week and we both get off … perfect.

More … Cool … Less? …I guess. That thing you do that I like … just icing on the cake. That thing you like … sure thing.

Romance.
I’m not here to be wined and dined. You forgot our anniversary? I didn’t even know we had one.

Porn and strip clubs.
First of all, I watch porn, too. Secondly, as long as I’m still getting what I want and need from you sexually, I don’t care what else you do.

Because, most importantly: nobody is competing with porn stars or strippers. Anybody who feel threatened by fantasies have a self-esteem problem they should address.

You eating the last donut.
Or those leftovers I was totally saving. Or stealing a fry from my plate.

I’ve heard people consider these deal-breakers, and I’m astounded they’d break it off over bagels or bánh mì.

Like, ain’t no food worth more than your partner. The fuck is the matter with you people?

I’d give you all of my leftovers and all my best fries and all of the last donuts forever. If the contents of a styrofoam box ensures I get what I want … then here darling … let me heat it back up for you, too!

Because this shit is all the easy parts in love … and life. And I am literally happy to let things slide, because doing so allows us both to focus on the bigger shit.

It’s not that I’m a push-over or passive (anybody’s who knows me would probably laugh at that suggestion.) On the contrary, it’s that my ego isn’t tied up in the toothpaste and toilet lid. I can let shit slide because doing so doesn’t have to be about me … my sense of self is stronger than strip clubs and texts, and my self-esteem doesn’t rely on winning silly arguments over stupid shit.
shakeitoff @ copyright 2019

I’m Not Your Therapist, And I Dont Want To Be…

I know how to write daily blog posts about life and love and happiness and psychology and philosophy, and I know how … from a reader’s perspective … that can look a lot like “wanting to give you one-on-one advice,” but to state the obvious (and do so in a brutally honest way): it’s not at all the same from my viewpoint. And I have close to zero patience for the latter.

Writing something is entirely different than responding to someone’s “situation.”

I’ve even published a blog in the past telling people … in big bold letters: “don’t bring me your life story.” Granted, I articulated this within the context of love and friendships, but I actually figured the underlying message of “I don’t want to hear it” was so apparent that I almost didn’t post it for fear of being “rude” (as I noted. In the post.)

Beloved readers,
Don’t Bring Me Your Life Stories

I’m not here for that.

And yet several times a week, people would continue to write to me with their life stories … asking for advice.

Well … to all of you diligent advice-seekers … here’s a summary of my responses to the most frequent questions I received:

Anything more than like 100 words, usually starting off “bear with me…”

Fuck off with this shit. Seriously.

Someone once sent me a 1,000+ word email covering what was apparently half their life story … graciously including a series of totally superfluous details, such as 3 or 7 or 18 other friends’ names … I guess in a way that was somehow meant to convey their importance to the story(?!)

And let me just remind you: I never asked for this email.

It was effectively the equivalent of being accosted in the street or shouted at on the bus. It was … Hey!! Can you please help me? But wait … I’m not actually going to pause to let you respond yes or no and now I’m just speaking in run-on sentences to tell you my sob story in a way that just leaves both of us feeling worse”.

If you come at me with 1,000 words, I will not respond. My time and attention are not here for you to throw shit at.

“My partner isn’t changing and I don’t know what to do”

Yeah, no shit.

But I’m going to tell you the same thing I’ve said in my posts at least a dozen freaking times:

You do not control other people!

Why you think you’re the exception to this rule (or think there’s some secret side door loop hole … or your situation is different … or you’ll win me over to giving you the real advice on how to still make the universe rearrange itself for you anyway … is beyond me.

And if you’re thinking: not the whole universe … just my partner. I’m gonna stop you right there … stop whimpering in your head and acting confused.

You. Do. Not. Control. Other. People.

The only one you control is you.

Don’t like their behavior? Tell them … already did? Then GTFO!

Don’t like that answer? Sorry … tough shit. The world doesn’t bend itself to suit your whims. There is no additional science here, man. If you think there’s still some magical solution to making them change? You’re a dummy. But you “love them you will say?” You’re even dumber still … and need to circle back on rule 1: self love and self esteem.

If they were interested in changing and staying together, you’d have seen at least some effort by now.

It’s not me … it’s them

No … It’s you.

Someone once sent me a 1,400+ word email … that’s a 7-minute read peeps; i.e., longer than some of my blog posts. It actually started with,

“I feel that I am an emotionally stable person.”

No … clearly no … You are a highly delusional person who just likes to pride himself on the image of “emotionally stable.” Otherwise you wouldn’t be emailing strangers tiny novels saying so.

And even if it’s truly “them,” then it’s still “you” for staying.

“I have this friend…”

Look … buddy. Let me stop you right there. Because unless you actually are “this friend,” … or this friend’s partner … or this friend has explicitly asked you for your opinion … my advice to you is: Stay in your lane.

“I have a question about my ex…”

I don’t care … she/he nor I … want to hear it. I mean, seriously … if your actual ex isn’t interested … imagine how I feel…

Someone wrote to ask me,

“My avoidant ex is not very good at initiating contact or responding… its been a month since I’ve had any contact with her … should I still reach out or do you think she’d prefer to just not hear from me.”
😐

Are you being fucking serious with that?

“What should I do?”

How the fuck should I know? I’m not you.

But if you’re asking me how people should decide what to do, my answer is simple … and, incidentally, always the same: do whatever best aligns with your most important values.

“Okay, but my situation is different, because…”

No … it isn’t.

People are not that fundamentally different, … and the inclusion of your partner’s name … or your job … or how long you’ve been dating … off and on … or what exactly your partner does wrong, doesn’t make your situation unique.

“Can you give me the exact steps to take to solve my problem?”

Ummm. No.

Life doesn’t work that way.

And even if I listed steps … odds are you wouldn’t take them … instead believing that you still didn’t have “enough clarity” to do so. Do you see the problem?

What’s stopping you isn’t clarity … it’s your need for clarity. And while you continue to nurse that need … you’re procrastinating … pushing “problem solving” further out because you need increasingly detailed “steps.”

So, no.

But if you’re looking for writers who are willing to let you believe otherwise and drag you along for the ride … there are plenty out there. Have at it.

“Can we meet?”

NO! … what the hell?

Literally who are you even?

Are you doing this in other places in your life … randomly emailing people who don’t know you and asking them to meet you? If you are, you need to stop.

I know you and I are probably real tight in your head, but in the words of Reese Witherspoon,

“Do you know that I don’t know you?!”

“Will you read this piece I wrote?”

Dude, what? Not really … see above … do you know that I don’t know you?

I mean, do you think I sit around refreshing my inbox waiting for people to fill it with pieces to read? Do you suppose my attention is here to have stuff thrown at it? Have I ever expressed interest in this? Is this your way of building a following? I mean, seriously. No.

Side note: I will usually click on pieces sent to me. Usually they’re not great. But on at least one occasion, the piece was so good it brought me to tears … and I said so … and then I read like three more pieces. So … do with that what you will.

“I would date you”

WTF?

This is unwelcome and I don’t care. I don’t know you and I didn’t ask your opinion.

Do you think I would take it as a compliment … that some random internet stranger judges potential partners based on one-way communication and a profile pic?

Are you under the impression I’m taking some kind of poll … “sup readers: how many of you would hypothetically date me? Check yes or no?”

Because I’m not.

If you are … even worse … speculating that we could actually date … I’m just gonna stop you right there and pull the rug out … because we never will. There are two of us here and one of us doesn’t go for random internet strangers who “answer unasked polls.”

And if you think I don’t know what you’re actually saying you want to do … you’re an idiot.

Look, I’m not here to win suitors. It makes no difference to me whether or not you’d “date” me. I’m not saying you can’t feel that way … feel away … I’m just saying I don’t need to hear about it.

“Can you tell me about your writing process?”

Dear god please no.

This is one of my least favorite topics … and everyone who asks this always asks from the same position: thinking there’s some “secret solution.” There isn’t. (See “specific steps,” above.)

I can share my process … and my schedule … and what I listen to … and what I drink, but none of that actually matters. The only thing that matters is writing. So the “process” that matters is. what gets you to writing.

“You’re a jerk for writing this post!”

Lol … okay. Just because you didn’t like what I wrote doesn’t mean I’m wrong. It’s my blog people.

If we are too afraid to stake a claim and set boundaries … we’re worse off … not better.

I still care deeply about each and every one of my readers … and people in general. And there are plenty of emails I love getting … in fact, I enjoy the vast majority of those I receive.

I should note that I don’t answer every email I receive, because sometimes I’m a negligent asshole. I check my email frequently and I read (most) all of them, but I definitely don’t answer quickly, if I answer at all. But that doesn’t mean I didn’t read … or enjoy your email.

Here are my faves:

“I noticed you write a lot of blogs about __. Can you recommend any other writers on that?”
“I read your post on __, but I was confused about your point on __. Can you please clarify?”
“I disagree with your piece on __ for the following well-thought-out, logical reasons (which I have communicated in a constructive, respectful way.) What do you think?”
“Can you elaborate on a big hairy topic I write about a lot?”
That last one is a great example of one I love … but often left unanswered … sometimes things like that are bigger than email.

They’re more like new blog posts… ❤

shakeitoff @ copyright 2019

Peek a Boo

The Peek …
Good love is “boring”
Erratic is not good love

One of my favorite books is Samantha Irby’s “We Are Never Meeting In Real Life” (and I recommend it, obviously.)

In it, she talks about her relationship by saying,

“I’m in love and it’s boring.”

Right on, sister.
Too often, we think love is supposed to be manic.

People celebrate “losing themselves,” and “falling” for someone; they get tossed and turned like they have no say in the matter; they let themselves get pulled emotionally willy nilly and chalk it up as “passion.”

“Relationships take work,” we tell ourselves. But I believe we have misconstrued what that “work” is supposed to mean.

“Boring” is better than “impassioned,” and while most great relationships have a blend of both. Forced to choose … we should readily take the former. Consistently warm is far more hospitable than hot and cold for long-term emotional wellbeing.
Boring is beautiful

By “boring,” I mean stability, consistency, reliability. We can hang our hat on these things; we can only build on a solid, unwavering foundation.
GREATNESS IS BUILT WITH CONSISTENCY

As true for relationships as it is for anything.

Weight loss happens with countless little daily decisions, not binging and purging. Building a company happens in the millions of micro-moments, not landing … and losing that one BIG client. It’s a lot easier to engineer a solution around consistent variables … regardless of what they are.

When a partner (or the relationship) is up, down, hot, cold, ecstatic, pissed, etc., we spend far too much time managing our feelings and not enough time actually building on the relationship.

I can’t do anything with an erratic partner. (I know this because I had one once … okay, twice … and it was simply unworkable.)
GREATNESS IS BUILT WITH AGENCY AND TAKING RESPONSIBILITY

Our partners are not here to keep us distracted.

If we approach love with healthy hearts, we don’t complain of “boredom” with our partners, because we understand that they are not here to charm, or otherwise entertain us. Their lives are not fuel for our amusement, they are not here simply to delight us.

We are responsible for our own emotional wellbeing.
GREATNESS IS BUILT WITH EMOTIONAL HEALTH

Emotionally healthy people do not chase “romance” and put on exaggerated displays. Emotionally healthy people can lap at the edge of excess; they are satiated on healthy displays of love alone. They understand that real, healthy love is in the every day little shit … remembering to fold the laundry; a hug; a word of encouragement before they head off to work … and they don’t require, nor do they have any real appetite for, the showy shit that’s “shareable” on social media.
GREATNESS IS BUILT IN THE EVERYDAY, NOT THE FEW EXCITING MOMENTS

Great relationships, like anything, are built in the everyday. They don’t simply endure the everyday to just get to the next vacation or fun outing, just like great work doesn’t simply endure the work week to get to the weekend. Relationships are built in the “grey space” of life; they are the everyday. So what we do with that time makes or breaks us.

Every moment we spend with our loved one is precious and invaluable. That’s where the relationship lives or dies. And a lot of those everyday moments are, for the most part, boring.

That 80 year old couple holding hands in the department store is sharing “boring.” They got there one day at a time.
Impassioned is dangerous

By “impassioned” I mean excitement, excess, extremes. Romantic hedonism … new restaurants, gifts, travel, grandiose displays or constant reassurance or lofty, declarations of love. If you want great love, these should make you want to run.

Bustle magazine put out an article on “17 things to do when you get bored in your relationship.”

I’ll save you the read, because there aren’t “17” things to do. There’s only one thing to do, and it’s: “take responsibility for your own life and understand that it’s not your partner’s job to entertain you.”

There is, of course, a real benefit of trying new things and going to new places as a couple … but only if done with a calm heart, and never with the anxious frenzy to “do something new!”

When we chase romance and excitement, we do to “love” what porn does to sex.

I can appreciate a sentimental surprise as much as the next guy, but nothing turns me off more than empty romantic gestures for the sake of the gesture. Given the choice, I’d rather take a gal who never does anything “romantic” but is stable and emotionally-secure every day.

“Passion” is dangerous to hang our hearts on because it fades away. It must either be doggedly pursued and constantly refueled, or it runs the risk of exposing the realization that there’s nothing underneath. Love built on frenzied pursuits leaves us fatigued and washed up, looking at each other at the end of our ropes, frustrated that we “can’t come up with anything else to do.”

In good love, there’s nothing “to do” except love one another every day. And it doesn’t depend on how we feel, because good, healthy love doesn’t hinge on our feelings; it’s a choice. Every day.
Good love looks and feels “boring”

Real, healthy love is quiet, not loud. It is calm, not frenzied. It is solid and stable, not flighty or fickle.

“Real love… it’s not a game you don’t understand the rules of, or a test you never got the materials to study for. It never leaves you wondering… what you could possibly do to make it come home and stay there. It’s fucking boring my beloved peeps. I don’t walk around mired in uneasiness, waiting for the other shoe to drop… This feels safe and steadfast and predictable and secure. It’s boring as shit. And it’s easily the best thing I’ve ever felt.”

Good love is just the everyday … every day.

The Boo …
Too many people — especially men my age — harbor ridiculous “check lists” of demands in a partner that don’t matter.

Tall. Sexy. High-income. Nice car. Nice apartment — and good decor. Attractive. Smart. Nice. Not crazy. Good family. Good hair. Good cheek bones. Works out. Nice derriere. Drinks what I drink. Likes the same musicI do. Has the same hobbies. Travels. Does brunch on the weekend and trivia at night. Wants a golden retriever …

Shit goes on.

Fam, I love you, but these lists are ridic. We’re just creating obscene demands to distract ourselves from the real work of discerning what’s important. I’m not going to tell you what you should want. But I will suggest that we define it better.

When I think about what I want in a life partner, the questions I ask aren’t things like “what is her earning potential?” but rather “what’s this gal gonna do when shit really hits the fan?” Because it will. And when it does, no amount of luxury vehicles or nice hair or good looks will do me much good.

Don’t get me wrong — I definitely have a physical “type” that I go for, but looks don’t matter that much in the long run. I’ve dated tall, short, skinny, fluffy, older, younger, good hair, bad hair, no hair, and various states of mental stability. (I’ve also dated high income, low income, same religion, different religion… ladies with luxury cars, and interests in all kinds of music and hobbies — I don’t care.)

Because:

There are only 3 things that I absolutely need … I’ve come to like the simplicity of “trifectas” .

And I didn’t really sit down and ponder over it as much as I simply realized it and it emerged, quietly and clear:

I need: “emotional stability, critical thought, and friendship.”

“Looks” don’t even make the cut — and even if I was pushed to list more, “looks” wouldn’t even crest the top ten. Frankly, I’d just extrapolate my top three into specifics. Because all I care about are these three things.
1) Emotional Stability
Self-sufficiency. Emotional health. Responsibility for our own emotions. Composure.

And I should note: all healthy relationships require this from both partners. Without it, the relationship doesn’t have a chance in hell.

At a bare minimum (non-negotiable): a partner who can make it through 99.9% of her days without having a meltdown. Someone who takes responsibility for her own emotions, first and foremost, and communicates her needs calmly and clearly. Someone who deals with everyday setbacks without flailing, follows through on what she says she’ll do, and, for the love of god, takes responsibility for her own mistakes. Someone who is both secure and emotionally self-sufficient; who doesn’t struggle with jealousy, clinginess, neediness, overreactions, toxicity, or crippling depression, and doesn’t whine, whimper, complain, cling, interrupt, get defensive, seek revenge, make excuses, or demand constant affirmation (and ideally, also doesn’t lie, cheat or steal.) Someone not governed by emotions, but who makes decisions level-headed. Someone dependable, emotionally strong, and solid.

Ideally (not required, but nice to have): grit. Someone who not only endures everyday hardship, but prospers because of it; not just passively accepting setbacks, but excelling despite them.

I compromised on this once (okay, twice) and I regretted it. The first time, I got a stage-five clinger. The second, a codependent. Both because I prioritized the other two things in my trifecta and let this one slide. Never again.

2) Critical Thinking
Too often people bastardize the idea of “smart” as “knowing a lot of facts,” “being good at trivia,” “having an advanced degree,” or “working a big job.”

But real intelligence is not about what you know. It’s about how you think. It’s problem solving — finding or figuring out the answer, not remembering it.

At a bare minimum (non-negotiable): when she encounters a problem, she not only refrains from a meltdown (see above) —s he solves it. Someone who’s got clean, accurate logic and knows what to do with it. Someone who loves a good challenge, never shies from a setback, and steps up to solve shit time and time again when the going gets tough. Someone who’s so intellectually rugged … I can’t NOT want her around.

Ideally (not required, but nice to have): someone who’s successfully applied this (and her grit) in her work, and has done or built something valuable. (Super extra bonus points: being hispanic. Because, all this considered, I sure do fuckin love me a light brown senorita.)

These two are the only real requirements. But to round out the trifecta, here’s my third item:

3) Friendship — based on understanding
I yearn deeply for friendship and intellectual understanding in love. It is deliciously nice to have, and a lack of it was a big part of the reason I always bailed on other relationships.

At a bare minimum: I want someone who’s pickin up what I’m puttin down like 99.9% of the time — and making me laugh almost just as often. Someone with whom I have an inside joke or two. Someone with whom there’s comfort and ease at play. Someone with whom I’m real and actual friends. Someone who “gets me” in my mentally “pajama’d” state, as well as when my thoughts are sprawled out and I’m talking abstract to the ceiling.

Ideally (not required, but nice to have): someone who’s my best friend. I know people take sides on this, but having had it both ways I’m convinced there’s only one best option (and anyone who says otherwise just doesn’t have it.) I want a best friend.

Having a great relationship is, of course, predominantly about putting in the effort and work. But first build your house on a solid foundation, and focus on just a few key things to get a good one.

These are just a starting point — and everything that’s important comes afterwards, through commitment and attention and effort. But none of that work means anything (at least to me) without these three things first in place ❤

And it’s totally prescriptive, but frankly I think more people could benefit from a highly-focused list of priorities, based on values — not just ignoring things, but filtering on higher quality things. Because it’s not about lowering standards — it’s about raising them. To focus solely on shit that actually matters and makes a good relationship. And then focus the rest of our attention on building it.

Note: a few readers might misinterpret this drop to mean I am still looking for someone. I am not. My current partner has all three of these things in spades — and makes me ridic happy.

shakeitoff@copyright 2017